The H.O.R.N. Method - Tip For Managing Overwhelm

Written By Kendra Norris, LCSW

When we get overwhelmed, our brain gets faster and our fuse gets shorter.

The H.O.R.N. Method, created by Erik Cooper, LMFT, and Lindsey Ermatinger, LPC, is a quick tip to help with emotional regulation. Helpful for just about anyone but especially overwhelmed parents.

Let’s picture the scene: it’s a Tuesday morning during the school year. You have a 6 month old who is teething and has an uncanny ability of waking you up at the exact moment you were able to close your eyes. Night after night of this, you hardly know your name anymore.

It’s 6:30am and your 7 year old just found out about Pokémon and keeps showing you video edits about Squirtle and asking you about what kind powers you would have as a Pokémon while spilling milk from their cereal all over the kitchen table.

Your 4 year old has bedhead in a way you didn’t even realize hair could arrange itself but they’ve decided your hands are made of lava and they would rather scream bloody murder than have you touch their hair.

Whew. It’s not even 7am yet. Here is where H.O.R.N. comes in.

Pause before you respond. Check in with yourself.

Ask yourself these questions.

H - Heart Rate

  • Is my heart racing?

  • Is my body gearing up for a fight?

  • Am I feeling tense or reactive?

O - Orient to Present

  • What is actually happening right now?

  • What facts do I know?

  • Am I reacting to this moment or to something else?

R - Regretful Statements

  • If I keep talking, am I about to say something I’ll wish I could take back?

  • Is this helpful?

  • Is this how I want to show up as a parent?

  • Will this move us toward connection or conflict?

N - Notice Your Breath

  • Something the first parenting intervention isn’t talking— it’s breathing.

  • Take one slow deep breath.

  • When regulated, your breath is deep and slow. In fight or flight, it is shallow and fast.

Remember: A regulated adult is the best de-escalation tool.

We can’t control behavior, but we can control how we respond.

If this was helpful, consider participating in our Intentional Parenting Workshop where caregivers can gain more understanding, tools, and tips about parenting to work into your already existing parenting style.

Kendra Norris, LCSW

Kendra (she/her) is a social worker who utilizes a person-centered, strengths based approach in her practice. Melding components of parts work, mindfulness, EMDR, and expressive arts, her ultimate hope is for clients to feel more connected with themselves— mind, body & soul.

Kendra received her MSW from the University of Denver Graduate School of Social Work and has a BA in Psychology from Austin College. Kendra is trained in EMDR and values continued learning. She is passionate about providing identity affirming care and helping others better understand patterns and move through limiting beliefs. Women, creatives, black sheep, LGBTQ+, and neurodiverse folks can find a safe space with her.

In her free time, you can find her romping around in the San Juans, cooing at a dog somewhere, or dabbling in a mixed media project.

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